(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Don’t let trailer park trash and a tattoo guy run YOUR life!

Posted by emzkbd on August 23, 2011

Runs like a public service announcement. Oh no, is that what’s happening here?! But, they’re not even cute! I guess reality TV can really coerce you to do stupid stuff… like write a reality recap about a bunch of rejects.

On to last night’s debauchery… which actually played out in my world this evening since Monday Night Football took over the Bachelor Pad time slot. No way was I gonna stay up to watch the re-broadcast at midnight. This is how I know I’ll never get addicted to drugs… because I know when to say no crack cocaine. Isn’t that what this show is to its fan? Ok, maybe just one person who reads this blog.

So right out the gate, Blake takes us on a literary trip with his metaphors. Melissa, who I would simply call bat shit crazy or a hormonal horror, is so eloquently described as a live wire flailing around ready to zap someone. When I’m really horny, I could be described the same way, but Blake makes it sound like a bad thing. Last week he set up the Little Mermaid dream sequence (see “Something’s throbbing and it isn’t Vienna’s new nose job” post) and now he’s alluding to So I Married An Axe Murderer, except Blake is only pretending he’d marry her so she’d shut the fuzz up.

Now someone who might actually get married—Kasey and Vienna. Oh wait, Vienna said she hopes it’s NOT an engagement ring. Sorry Kasey, might as well kick the bucket now, and by bucket, I mean Vienna’s face. In the meantime, they can serve as our resident high school couple—giggling, making out on the couch, talking in pre-pubescent voices.

So while everyone is reminiscing about the elimination ceremony, Jake is undercover in the mansion, looking like he’s in witness protection. I guess some contestants are taking ousting their competitors a little too seriously. At least until tonight’s challenge where the ladies look ready to be deflowered (thanks to flower adorned swimsuits and swim caps) and the guys are showing off the equipment to the do so in their banana hammocks. Synchronized swimming never looked so good! Kidding! But seriously, those flower caps were super cute. I would wear one out to the grocery store… maybe… when I’m 80.

For this event, it’s guys versus girls, and immediately everyone assumes who will be the primadonnas of the pool. My favorite theory comes from Miss Michelle who bets on Holly and Melissa having the best moves because they were cheerleaders. Uhh, since when do the robotics of cheerleading equate to the fluid movements of a synchronized swimmer? That would be like watching Shaq do ballet. And then of course, everyone, including Jake himself, favors Jake to win because of his Dancing with the Stars stint. Again, dancing and swimming are not mutually exclusive. Then again neither were Ames and Jackie, but they still had a nice little fling. Go ahead, Jake! Give it a whirl!

Before we get to see Jake’s water pyrotechnics, the women are up first. Erika looked like she might drown, but then she was rescued by those mammoth flotation devices attached to her chest. Their performance as a whole (no, not her chesticles) was not as pretty as the flowers on their boobies. Vienna thinks she was spot on, but we catch a clip where she’s totally off her mark.

The men, on the other hand, looked much more synchronized. Not that that’s what I was watching, what with Jake leaping from the water like a mer-man and the camera catching a glimpse of his undercarriage. I can’t say that I got a good glimpse, but I wouldn’t call his man bits phenomenal. Maybe Erika Rose got a more up-close-and-personal audition as his snake charmer.

On a side note, I think Chris Harrison should have donned a flower cap and shown ’em how it’s done. Big, doofey smile, flitting around, pooping rainbows… in the water, of course. Instead, he’s just there… doesn’t even announce the winners—which were Mike and Michelle! I love how Vienna looks like she’s about to explode. But hey, after “winning” the Bachelor, losing to amateurs must sting a bit.

Moving on, everyone starts conspiring with their partners and hookups. Erika says she’s only seen nice things from Jake. Like I said, he probably serenaded her with his snake whisperer. Jake’s interaction with people, not just Erika, who during their alone time is basically arm wrestling him and airing out her va-jay-jay on his lap seems very contrived, almost like he’s acting. Hmmm…

Then there’s an inevitable Kasey and Vienna feud because Kasey isn’t guarding and protecting like he should be. Even Melissa looks uncomfortable around this drama. Vienna says she’s only trying to be cordial to Jake. That’s the smallest big
word I’ve ever heard her use. And then Kasey insinuates that Jake physically abused Vienna. Listen honey, just because a
guy has a big weiner doesn’t necessarily signify abuse. Unless he took that giant cock out and beat you across the face with it, which might explain her real reason for getting a nose job. Here comes Mr. Protector to save the dayyyyyyyyyy! I really think this dude needs a spandex suit and cape after his verbal tirade, declaring his sole purpose in life.

When we finally make it to the dates, we go from boring to depressing. Michelle picks Graham, Kasey and Blake. Obviously we know she wants to make fireworks with Graham, but this guy looks like he had more fun taking a sound lashing from Deanna
on her season of the Bachelorette than enjoying Michelle’s subtle flirtations. Next, Michael picks Ella, Vienna, and {insert dramatic pause} Holly. No surprise there, except that they say they’re over it, but obviously we keep circling the dead carcass of their relationship.

We giddy-up this day on horseback and catch an earful from Vienna, who probably whines whenever Kasey isn’t around. Fine, take off your stupid helmet so that when you faint—because you’re soooooooooo hot—you bust your egg (because honestly it’s full of yolk), we won’t have to listen to your meaningless commentary.

Meanwhile,  Mike and Holly get a little friendly 🙂 , as they put it, with their pants on 😦

Now, I, like most of the free world, don’t like breakups, and I wouldn’t want to re-live mine on national TV, regardless of how I felt about the person. Watching these two in relationship purgatory makes me want to shout “GO TO HELL!” If only so they’d make a choice about which direction they’re headed. One person who hopes to provide some piece of mind—Bret Michaels. I swear these two freaked out as if they’d one the lottery. And let me just say, Bret Michaels telling you you’re beautiful is like the
doctor telling you your herpes sores could pass as moles.

As a side note: I hope Michael and Holly win so that during the finale Chris Harrison congratulates them as the “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” starts to play.

Back to relationship 101—if you break up, you don’t HAVE TO figure it out. It’s called a breakup because it’s broken. It’s a book, Holly. Read it! If you’re meant to be together, it’ll happen. Suuuuuure, except that we all know you need to sow a few more oats with Blake because he’s new and exciting and uses big words like serendipitous.

Once it’s crunch time, everyone starts narrowing down their picks for elimination. Kasey and Jake end up on this week’s chopping block, and everyone has two add their two cents about Kasey. “It’s been so hard for him!” “It’s time to get Kasey off!” Hold the phone, isn’t that Vienna’s job?!

And then there’s Jake who’s willing to land on Erika Rose’s landing strip. And hey, if it’s a water landing, her fun bags double as a flotation device. But you already knew that! Beware the princess spy, Jake! She’ll stake out nearby hot tubs to gauge the competition and then kiss as many frogs as it takes to win her $250k.

Second to the last big event of the night, Kasey pops the question. Sort of! No, actually not at all because Vienna beat that until it was a dead horse. Hey Kasey, six months is not an anniversary! If anything, it’s a pit stop to an anniversary. But alas, Krooner Kasey still finds it in his romantical self to bust out some original lyrics. Here that American Idol?! Didn’t think so! But Vienna sure loved it. Maybe her nose docs should have removed the wax from her ears while they were correcting her deviated septum. Actually, scratch that! I’m sure it’s there to filter the raspy-ness from Kermit’s normal voice.

Last big thing that EVERYONE is talking about… besides Ben being the next Bachelor… is that super blunt ending. Yes, that was part of the plan. ABC wants you to tune it see who Jake drags with him. No he won’t pull a caveman and take Erika kicking and screaming by her bleached extensions. I’m sure it’ll be a lot less dramatic than we expect, but then again this our crack, right Kaitlyn?

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