(Pop) Culture Shock

It comes in waves

Something’s throbbing, and it isn’t Vienna’s new nose job!

Posted by emzkbd on August 15, 2011

Yes, I know. I’m a week behind on bringing you a juicy recap of Bachelor Pad. I know many of you are sitting at home, waiting for this to post so you can squeal like a Vienna sausage over a hot flame. Or maybe it’s gurgle in anticipation like Kasey the Kermit Frog knowing he might get to go to the Boom Boom Room, which I think is the perfect new nickname for my boudoir. Makes me wanna bang bang!!

Last night’s episode featured competition time meant a target on your back, a la Glee’s Rachel Berry. I’ve always wanted to pitch eggs, preferably with a fling of my pelvis. You know, tonight, I’m going to dream about the scrambled beat down I’d like to shell out to some people. I’ll let you decide if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. You know, I got hit with an egg once… actually my car did, but that was almost as emotionally damaging. The scars are still there… taunting me like those punk ass tweens who wouldn’t know over easy if you bent over and gave ’em a spatula.

Back to the festivities, the contestants had to “beat eggs on [their] backs,” which to me seems like a ferociously twisted way to make an omelette au natural, if you know what I mean?! The biggest losers–Jake, boo-hooing about his negative image, and Erika Rose, who, well, obviously could take some pointers from the Biggest Losers. Hah, just kidding, but honestly, you couldn’t argue that her face has seen more plastic than the original Barbie. It was no surprise that Jake was the target douche-nozzle, but I did feel a little bad Ericka because that probably would have been me. {{{tear}}} Then she opened her mouth and starting slamming all the chicks for their fake chesticles and how Ella was “way bigger” than her, and I thought, ready, aim, fire!!

So Michael wins it with the most connects for the guys, and Melissa’s eggs win it for the girls because they’re obviously ready to be fertilized. But before we go on their dates, we’re back to the JV squad, watching their hot mess of a squabble. Bauk bauk bauk bauuuuuuukkkk! Who’s the bigger chicken shit? I polled the ladies in the house, asking who’s story do you believe? Jakey-wakey oh-so-fakey or the sausage king of Chicago… oh wait he-she got a nose job now so I guess she looks more like a wo-man now.

I love that Jake calls her V. Really? Are you trying to land a spot on True Blood now, ya famewhore? Vienna refuses to be alone with Jake the snake, who I hear has a really big rattlesnake in his trousers according to next week’s preview. Maybe we’ll call him Jake the Boa Constrictor… moves quietly and strikes with a vengeance–STOP INTERRUPTING ME!!!! {insert tomahawk chop}

It’s not long before the voice of reason chimes in… “I feel bad for Jake.” Oh really Gia? Why because he crapped on Vienna’s titays instead of yours? Sheeesh, everytime this one opens her mouth, I wish the earth would open up and swallow her whole. And how is it that Vienna and Gia are BFFs again! One minute Gia’s pissed that Vienna’s banging Wes in the boom boom room, the next they’re bonding over Jake’s Shake ‘N Bake routine. “They say that looooove, it don’t come eeeeee-eeeeasyyyyy!”

The only olive brank Jake wants to extend to Vienna is his cobra… hear that Kermit! He’s coming fo that ass!

Enough about Jake’s penis… what’s happening on a boat? A yacht of fun! Har har har Kermie! {sound of someone strangling a cat… and then crickets} But really, this bon voyage definitely carries it’s own theme song–boats ‘n hoes, boats ‘n hoes, everyone’s gotta know blake’s a hoe. Totally down with the porn star music in the belly of the boat as Blake prostitutes himself out on Melissa, who totally pulled a Gia this season, switching up the rose from Kasey to Blake. Dun dun dun… Kasey and Kirk set sail, and apparently Kasey’s watched a leeetle too much shark week!

Now if you loved Blake last season, which I didn’t because he eerily looks like an ex of mine, I know you swooned when he pulled the I-had-a-few-drinks-so-it’s-ok-if-we-make-out! Rico Suave… this one obviously filled a lot of cavities through med school, and by cavities, I mean vaginas!

Here comes the dramz… Melissa’s ovaries are definitely on high alert for a mate, and Blake’s sweet, serendipitious smooches have hooked her. But Brent… I mean Blake, wants to join Holly on her island of serenity, but Ursula, I mean Melissa, is the hurricane a-comin’!! I think he used the word typhoon and capsizing, but I really think he just wanted to pull a Prince Eric and stab that bitch through the heart with a stake, so that he could join Ariel under the sea, or in some part of the her world.

Let’s just say, that threesome was definitely not what I was expecting either, and I would have up and left like Holly, too! When crazy walks into a room, you just gotta get out. Holly makes a crack about flossing her ass cheeks before sneaking out to avoid the water works.  Melissa insists she’s not the victim, who doesn’t want to defend her self anymore… seriously… because she’s fun and strong and nice, but no more defending herself, since she’s obviously pretty and smart and fun, oh wait, need a new adjective.

Rose ceremony, errrrr, elimination time! “Hi Kase, I mean God, I’ve come for my confessional!” “Do you think you deserve to be here?” “Well my agent says it’ll help my career!” “That’s not what I asked. I said Do you think you deserve to be here?” “Yes!” “How come?” “Because my limo company went under, duh?!”

{Insert Vienna fame-whore plug} “You can hit me at facebook, email, twitter, YouTube, Penthouse… the list goes on!”

Who would have thought Mr. Guard and Protect Your Heart would end up with that deer in the headlights? Gotta say though, his one liners are superb… looking right in the camera “It’s throbbing… are you ready?” Well with that come on, who wouldn’t be? Bring Papa Smurf!!

Enter Chris Harrison (and Jolly Holly’s super-short-tu-tu, loves it) to lay the smackdown on Vienna who goes ape shit in a matter of minutes. “I was forced to do this… just like I was forced to do Penthouse!” “If you’re unhappy, I’ll call a cab for ya, and you can go right back to the DD-list. Next on my agenda, two people are going home, and it’s not Mike or Holly! Yes, that’s right, we’ve decided to make this game a little more twisted and keep Vienna and Jake in the same room for as long as it takes to see more tomahawk chops!” At this point, I couldn’t tell if Vienna was orgasming or trying not to shit her pants. Sneaky girl, that one!

“THIS IS CHEATING!!” screams Vienna… {insert crickets} Nooooo, that’s what you (allegedly) did to Jake, remember? I swear I heard Chris Harrison say that! Enter Gia, I mean pot, who says kettle (Vienna) is soooooo fake. Gia who brags about trust, when in actuality she tried to play the game again, by convincing Graham to break up Kermie and Miss Piggy. FAIL! Time to ugly cry and confront people, just like you did last time with Wes. {{{SPOILER}}} Good riddance Gia! I’m sure we’ll be seeing your intelligence sparkle in Sports Illustrated, and by intelligence I mean the investment implanted on your rib cage.

So one girl down, one more to go… and I don’t mean on Blake’s pecker! Here we all think they’re gonna ship Ella back to her kid, but {{{SPOILER}}} Jackie gets the boot. Fortunately for her, Ames, in his Jester suit, rides in to save the day. The Knight in shining red courduroy! How romantical! The car gets steamy as they drive away, but we all know that’s because Ames gets in the car with his mega huge boner after waving goodbye to the dudes!!

But before we go, queue Crazy rowing in on her drama boat. Girl’s known Blake two minutes, and already they’re an “us”! Now, grant it, Blake was kind of a dick by leading her on, and he dug his own grave, which I’m sure Melissa will dig and then worship when he’s six feet under. But this chick is batshit crazy, so much so that I want to play the wicked witch theme from the Wizard of Oz when she walks into a room! Duh nunt dun nunt duh na na Duh nunt dun nunt duh na na Duh nunt dun nunt duh na na naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! Happy hunting to all, and to all, a good night!


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